Categories
Healthcare Transwidows

I had the experience of finding myself married to a severely AGP man

I care deeply about this for a number of reasons. Firstly, as a survivor of early sexual abuse and extreme male violence I have lived my whole life in the shadow of experiences I have has because of my biological sex. These experiences have shaped me and in many ways they have limited me.

I will never know the woman I might have been in the absence of that pain and trauma. It offends me, even violates me to be asked to believe that ‘gender’ trumps ‘sex’.

Secondly, more than twenty years ago now, I had the experience of finding myself married to a severely AGP (autogynaephilia) man who had deceived me about his behaviour for many years of our ‘relationship’. Those years of duplicity were in no way happy ones. I experienced the full force of his gaslighting and narcissism. I just could not understand where it was coming from. I believed he was depressed and tried to support him but he deceived me on every level with web of glittering lies.

He was a man who lied for fun, a sexual predator, a sexual exhibitionist, a man who was having sex behind my back with multiple men and women across at least three counties. He had spent thousands of pounds on his obsession with ‘passing’ while telling me his businesses were failing and thus leaving me to pay the household bills. I would not wish those years of my life on my worst enemy.

Finally, as a former teacher, I care about the fact that children are being damaged not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically by this pernicious ideology. I am convinced, too, that there are aspects of this business that are directed at sexual ‘grooming’. How can I see that and not speak out?

I have spoke out as a member of the Labour Party in my CLP. I have argued face to face with male party members whom previously I had thought of as my comrades while they told me that ‘trans women are women’ and ‘if I didn’t like it’ I would have to fight for my rights all over again.  I have signed various letters and petitions relating to the Labour Party handling of this issue.

Eventually, I felt I could do no more and resigned from the Party.

I have visited, with a small group of other women, my Conservative MP, Derek Thomas,  and expressed my serious and urgent concerns face to face. I have emailed him as number of times on pertinent matters. I have spoken from the floor at a meeting in Truro and then as a member of the panel at a meeting in Plymouth.

I have been active on both Twitter and Facebook, both sharing my experiences as the wife of an AGP man and supporting others who were speaking out. I have donated to more crowd funders than I can remember  – all the ‘biggies’ – and for more than eighteen months I have been paying £5 a month to help Nic Williams continue her excellent and invaluable work. I am a member of ReSisters United and had my own meme which went out on the final day of the consultation. I have been active in local ReSisters protests eg putting Adult Human Female tee-shirts on statues. I have published poems in several online journals.

I am working on a poetry pamphlet based on my experience as an AGP wife.

I have lost friends in the real world. I have been bullied and intimidated in my home town where for a period of time my husband and I were afraid to leave home because we were being very dramatically and ostentatiously snubbed in the street.

I have been the object of snide, derogatory  and even abusive remarks at a spoken word event locally. (This has led to my withdrawal from such events which has obviously affected my work as a poet.) I have been accused online of being a liar, not only by strangers but people I know; for example, the very ‘woke’ wife of the TIM mentioned earlier.

I have been the target of cruel and very nasty comments in respect of some of the work I have had published and the editor of one journal in particular was besieged by emails demanding that my work was taken down and an apology printed. He stood his ground at the time but, interestingly, decided to ‘fold’ the journal a few weeks later. He said he could do without the hassle. I have also been attacked in a poetry workshopping group for comments – always polite – suggesting my GC views. I am writing my pamphlet because it is something I need to do for myself but I am afraid that it will never see the light of day because, apparently, some ‘lived experiences’ are ‘more equal’ than others. The impact of all these on my mental and emotional state is difficult to express. Over the past eighteen months I have become more and more introverted. The fact that ‘lockdown’ feels like a blessing to me probably says it all.

Abigail, woman, survivor, former teacher, mother, poet and bad ass crone, AbigailLaLoca

Categories
Transwidows

He left some very large women’s clothes in a cupboard where I was bound to find them

I am a transwidow. For 14 years I was married to a man who did everything to destroy my love and in the last 4 years taunted me mercilessly. He wanted me to hit him so that he could go to the police and prosecute me for domestic violence. I did not. Finally he left some very large women’s clothes in a cupboard where I was bound to find them and when I asked he said: “It’s true. I’m a transsexual”. Four months later he left us.

Slowly I found gender-critical feminist women on line and I started to learn about the psychiatric and legal framework for gender dysphoria. I had no idea that my life could be so “disposable” to him. Actually I was a victim of premeditated fraud: he tried to take my house and my savings from me, but I resisted such blatant attempts. I should have kicked him out much earlier. He is a criminal – a psychiatrist who knew him well described him as “something of a psychopath”.

More morally energetic men, such as Walt Heyer and Richard Hoskins, have found a way out of the rabbit hole. GD sufferers do know that their beliefs are untenable. That is why they are so, so touchy about anyone who questions these beliefs. But we must not condone insanity.

I have contributed to the Transwidows Escape Committee threads (all 3) on Mumsnet. For 10 years I have written comments under news and other articles on line. I have made contact with the main feminist campaigning groups and met their founders at various meetings all over the southern half of the UK. I know about 5 or 6 transwidows. In 2019 I finally set up transwidows.com (not to be confused with TinselAngel’s Transwidowsvoices.org). I have concentrated on logic or legal or professional psychiatric issues in my comments.

I am campaigning for repeal of the GRA and associated bits of the Equality Act 2010 because these laws condone insanity. I want to attack the laziness and cowardice of the GD psychiatric specialists. They have betrayed their Hippocratic oath to “do no harm”.

I have been banned from commenting under Daily Mail articles – my first tilt at the GD “windmill”. But, as I said above, I have confined my comments to verifiable statements or facts with references.

UW, Transwidow, Scientistranswidow

Categories
Transwidows

I am a trans widow and now have a trans identifying son

I am a trans widow and now have a trans identifying son.

I have told my story in detail and will share it as much as possible. I have spoken out to friends, associates and anyone how show an interest in engaging.

I have been cut out of my son’s life, I have been cast as a terf, a bigot, unstable, dramatic, selfish and mentally ill.

Jennifer K, Mother, feminist, survivor, force to be reckoned with, Ireland

Categories
Parent Transwidows

I struggled with my gender identity in my teens

I struggled with my gender identity in my teens, I have been sexually assaulted and took part in a celibate marriage with a person who used me as a depressing up dolly and later came out as trans.

I have talked to people, but people call me names. My youngest daughter gets very angry with me

LMD , Asperger’s female not CIS but woman

Categories
Healthcare Parent Transwidows

My husband moved out to live his new life as a woman

Those twelve months were a hell of lies and insults. 

I was told that I should be okay with him transitioning because I “had too much testosterone to be a woman, so should be happy for him to take the female role.” 

And there was a myriad of other examples of misogyny that peppered his arguments.

My children were just starting their teens and were both affected badly by this. My daughter fell out with her Dad, until she decided that she was nonbinary and then she fell out with me. We haven’t spoken in over year and she wrote to me recently to say that she is now a boy (age 18).  My son had a serious mental health issues with self harm and suicide attempts.

When this first happened, I watched friends turn themselves inside out to be understanding and to not be seen as transphobic (though my good friends didn’t take long to decide he was a git – thank god!) My gender critical views do not match with my children’s viewpoints, so I have to try and hold back from voicing how I feel at home.  And ultimately, I blame myself for everything. I can’t get away from the idea that I broke up our family and my gender critical viewpoints mean that I really am a transphobic bigot.

I follow people that have similar views to learn more about feminism and the issues around and share some of the articles that I find interesting.  I am also a teacher and occasionally have conversations with teenagers who have expressed gender confusion – discussing how gender nonconformity doesn’t mean that they are the wrong sex. 

Any consequences? Arguments with my kids, daughter leaving home.

Nicky, musician and teacher